It's been a bittersweet weekend and monday. Been feeling down and worthless all of a sudden. Keep getting this thoughts on how worthless I am and how I suck. Kinda depressing.
We were hanging out when I asked my friend, who is an expert in reading a person's personality by interaction, about my flaws, my problem. When he explained it to me, I felt down. Not because what he said was untrue, it's the fact that all of it is the truth and I can't help but agreeing. I know it but I can't seem to do anything about it. Low self-esteem, don't know how to make and keep friends, don't know how to express myself, very submissive, those are my traits that I think is the reason why I am like this.
Then there's the issue of me feeling like I'm just the test subject on how to raise a child for my parents. They put me as a trial and error dummy that what they did to me, they felt that things they shouldn't do to my brother. They already have plans, set up tuition for him, plan his good schools and have back up plans for him and let him choose what he wants to do while I? I have to follow what they want, meet they're expectations, be the good son, speak when spoken, never argue. I feel like a mannequin. Devoid of emotion, letting people determine my life. He gets to have friends over, go competition, be encouraged by my family, have the support of doing what he likes. I have to be the responsible one, the one who cleans up every mess, get the attention. ITS FRUSTRATING. Now they bring him here, bring him there. Go have fun here, have fun there. Funny thing is that they didn't do it while I'm there. Always when I'm away. Always posting it on Facebook for me to see. Even sending me pictures on the fun they're having. While I'm stuck here, doing things I don't think I fell like doing, all because I have to "fulfill the families expectations". I just so so sad.
I got nothing to be proud of. No special skill, talents and ability. I don't think I look great. My brothers got the good looks from my mom's side of the family while me? I got tainted by HIS genes resulting in I don't know what I am. Why does he gets what I feel like I want. Does god really have something against me? I'm so sick of it. Death seemed so inviting sometimes.
Then there's debate. Being the "president", the 1st meeting sucked in my opinion. I mean, come on, others can speak better than me, lead better than me. Why did they chose me? Why? I feel frustrated that all this expectations of me is too much. I depend on people too much, too passive that people sometimes walk over me. How the heck am I suppose to I'm prove? I don't have fangs to bare. I just nothing.
I really don't know what to do. I feel socially awkward, I find it hard to strike a conversation, too shy, get nervous too fast, and am sick of this world. I hate it.
Fuck it. God help me.
Ciao.
