Vent It Out, Let It Out

It's been a bittersweet weekend and monday. Been feeling down and worthless all of a sudden. Keep getting this thoughts on how worthless I am and how I suck. Kinda depressing.


                            We were hanging out when I asked my friend, who is an expert in reading a person's personality by interaction, about my flaws, my problem. When he explained it to me, I felt down. Not because what he said was untrue, it's the fact that all of it is the truth and I can't help but agreeing. I know it but I can't seem to do anything about it. Low self-esteem, don't know how to make and keep friends, don't know how to express myself, very submissive, those are my traits that I think is the reason why I am like this.

                            Then there's the issue of me feeling like I'm just the test subject on how to raise a child for my parents. They put me as a trial and error dummy that what they did to me, they felt that things they shouldn't do to my brother. They already have plans, set up tuition for him, plan his good schools and have  back up plans for him and let him choose what he wants to do while I? I have to follow what they want, meet they're expectations, be the good son, speak when spoken, never argue. I feel like a mannequin. Devoid of emotion, letting people determine my life. He gets to have friends over, go competition, be encouraged by my family, have the support of doing what he likes. I have to be the responsible one, the one who cleans up every mess, get the attention. ITS FRUSTRATING. Now they bring him here, bring him there. Go have fun here, have fun there. Funny thing is that they didn't do it while I'm there. Always when I'm away. Always posting it on Facebook for me to see. Even sending me pictures on the fun they're having. While I'm stuck here, doing things I don't think I fell like doing, all because I have to "fulfill the families expectations". I just so so sad.
     
                                I got nothing to be proud of. No special skill, talents and ability. I don't think I look great. My brothers got the good looks from my mom's side of the family while me? I got tainted by HIS genes resulting in I don't know what I am. Why does he gets what I feel like I want. Does god really have something against me? I'm so sick of it. Death seemed so inviting sometimes.

                            Then there's debate. Being the "president", the 1st meeting sucked in my opinion. I mean, come on, others can speak better than me, lead better than me. Why did they chose me? Why? I feel frustrated that all this expectations of me is too much. I depend on people too much, too passive that people sometimes walk over me. How the heck am I suppose to I'm prove? I don't have fangs to bare. I just nothing.

                            I really don't know what to do. I feel socially awkward, I find it hard to strike a conversation, too shy, get nervous too fast, and am sick of this world. I hate it.

Fuck it. God help me.

Ciao.

New Semester, Same Old Problems

Well tomorrow is the beginning of the my 2nd semester here in Penang. God how much I dread being here. But what to do, life gives you apple, make apple pie. Or just eat it. Seems that what I've planned for my last holiday wasn't a success as much as I want it to be. Been slacking of some of my plan such as:

1. Going to the gym
2. Jog around the park (or the neighborhood)
3. Buy a dumbbell
4. hangout with friends

Now I gotta face old problems and new ones. Man sure hope I can survive this shit. Hope god have great plans for me this semester. Gonna juggle with classes and debates and everything. Haiz....

Till next time. Ciao.

Just went through some scholarship websites. Apparently most have the minimum requirement of 3.50 CGPA and above. Since my first semester's CGPA is only 3.40, I gotta work extra harder to get those score. But man, ain't gonna be hard? With the stuff I gotta handle? The debate thing is gonna be a handful. I was chosen to be the president. THE PRESIDENT. Just when I thought I don't want to be too active or too standout and get a post and stuff, this shit happen. What a fucking nuisance! I plan to just lay low, keepin' it chill, but no. God apparently have a different idea. Just wish I got some heads up or something. Damn annoying man! I keep trying to tell myself that "It's His test to you" and all but I still can't shake it outta my mind. Only time can tell.

Till next time. Ciao

Results are out

Well, just checked my resu;lts via e-mail. Seems to me I can never get an excellent result after all. Always stuck with the mediocre ones. 3.40. another 0 point motherfucking 1 to get a Dean's list. This sucks. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. Atleast its near enough. This is just a phase of sorrow thats probably gonna last not too long for 48hours. So, till next time.

Blog Re-ignition and Results

Well haven't been updating this blog since, i don't know, a year? a year plus? Heck I don't freaking care anyways but now im feeling like starting back to blogging so here I am, reigniting.

Well results are coming up in approx. 8 1/2 more ours soo everyones gonna ask, "did I pass", "did I get on the dean's list?" and what ever fuck there is. Man, I thought I wont be thinking bout this shit but hey, its a hype a guess. Soo, thats it to it